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Understanding Bullies Is The First Step In Dealing With Them

Author: Jeffrey Miller
Date Posted: September 08, 2007

Bullying has been around as long as human beings have thought about taking what they wanted with no regard to the wants, needs, or well-being of others. When we understand what's behind the bullying itself, we are better equipped to handle the problem. That's the focus of this article.

It's been said that, to be successful, we should "first seek to understand." But, when it comes to bullies and their aggressiveness and threats, what's there to understand? In a word?

A lot.

Several years ago, I was a part of a panel of experts on bullying, it's causes, and what we could do to deal with it. Each panel member came from a different sector of the community, but we all had one thing in common, and that was that each of us was engaged in either the research, development or programs, education of victims, or the end result, the incarceration and rehabilitation of the bully-turned-criminal.

The point of the symposium was to help members of the community to understand the problem in order to be able to effectively deal with it and to help our children. Here is a list of common traits or characteristics that all members of the panel agreed on when it came to what constituted a bully.

Characteristics and Traits of the Bully

See the recent article on the 3 Types of Bullies to get a better idea of the different tactics used by each. For now, "what" a bully does is not as important as "why" they do it.

Bullies in General...

1) Believe that no one likes them - this causes a "strike-first" approach to living. And, while many bullies started out with many friends and being quite popular, their "my way or the highway" approach to getting what they wanted eventually served to drive people away. So, either through a feeling of insecurity or through the eventual loss of friendships, the bully is left feeling hurt and lonely. Contrary to popular belief, they really have low self-esteem.

In order to combat this feeling and attempt to gain the upper hand, they seek to cause the pain first.

2) Seek only to get what "they" want - regardless of what anyone else gets. They have a very limited viewpoint and relationships are there to serve their needs. Any attempt to use empathy tactics - to get them to try to see things from their victim's perspective is foreign and easily dismissed.

3) Are willing to cause pain, loss, or fear of loss to get what they want - by any means necessary. Again, while each type of bully uses tactics that fit his or her "type," the agenda is always to get the lion's share of whatever is being sought. Validation comes through "winning" and "getting," because these things "show" definitively who is on top.

4) Know how to choose their victims - in fact, their are only certain "types" of people that they will victimize, leaving all others alone. As I discussed in the "3 Types of Bullies" article, for each bully type, there is a matching "victim-type." And, being the target of a particular type of bully should immediately signal to you that you display the signs and signals they need to know their tactics will WORK on you.

This is not a complete list but it should serve as a guide to getting a better idea about what will and what work when it comes to dealing with bullies and stopping their terroristic activities. I hope this helps you, in some small way to help yourself and your child to overcome the negative effects of bullying and to get the kind of help that really works.

In conclusion, I'd just like to say that...

...I know that many experts take the approach that something can be done to or with the bully to get them to stop.

I don't.

I believe that the quickest way to avoid being the target of a bully is to...

...change or eliminate the signals that trigger their aggression towards ME.

That requires a bit of self-exploration and the willingness to not make excuses about "being me." I am NOT suggesting that we give into the bullying and change our clothing because she doesn't like what we wear, have different friends because they don't like who we associate with, or any such thing. What I mean is this:

Just as there are certain traits common to all bullies, there are certain traits common to all victims. And...

...there are common traits of those people that are never harassed by bullies - ever.

By developing such traits as:

1. Confidence

2. High Self-esteem

3. The ability to protect ourselves

4. A thick skin, etc.

We seriously decrease the likelihood that a bully will target us, and if one does, they won't stay at it for too long because we're not easy enough for them. Their need for satisfaction and gratification will come at too high a cost and they will find it easier to move on.

I don't know if we will ever stop bullying and, you know what? I don't care about that.

I don't mean to sound cold but, I just think the task is too great. I also think that as long as we have human beings, we will have bullies.

What I do care about is helping my children and others to be able to avoid becoming a victim. And I don't think that my stance is odd either. After all, we don't really care that much if a bully is picking on "some other kid" at school. We only care when the target is "our" kid. This is normal.

If you really want to gain the upper hand, stop trying to fight the bully and get him to conform. In case you haven't been listening, that's HIS tactics and he's much better at them. Instead, learn to see what's at the root of the problem - how a bully thinks and how he or she selects a victim, and then...

...demonstrate that you're not his "type."

Trust me. It's MUCH easier!

About The Author

Jeffrey M. Miller is the founder and director of Warrior Concepts International. He teaches his clients the proven and time-tested lessons they need for creating the lives they've always dreamed of living, and the skills necessary for protecting that life. He is the author of several books and articles on self-defense, child-safety, and success. His newest book, "10 Really Stupid Things Parents Do To Place Their Child in Danger - Without Even Knowing It!" is available on his web site at: http://www.warrior-concepts-online.com/children-safety-parent-10stupidthings-report.html While you're there, subscribe to his online newsletter and enroll in his fr*ee ecourse called, "Foundations of Self-Defense Mastery." He is a much sought-after speaker on the subjects of youth development and child-safety and can be reached through his web site at: http://www.warrior-concepts-online.com or by calling (570) 988-1989.

Article Source: JKD Street Combat - online collection of Parenting articles.

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